I have wondered and pondered around my house for hours, thinking on what to do with my precious time. I turned up my ultra cool winamp playlist and looked mysteriously into space. Anyone who saw me would immediately see my awesome look, as I laid on my bed, my hand holding up my head, my eyes half-closed, and my other hand hung in the middle of the air, pointing mysteriously at the ceiling. I had covered all topics in those hours that could come to my head: life, coke, porn, my awesome look, Miras-Pidaraz, FBI, movies, music, my friends, my organ donors (I wonder where they are), the internet, Maddox, pencils, magic-markers, Arm’s arms, my math book, etc. I was, simply stated, blasé. If you don’t know what that means, get a dictionary and learn this new word–you will need it if you wish to follow what I am about to say. I recently decided to share my awesome coolness with you people. I have already shown you how to be cool by being an asshole, but truly, it is not even a tiny portion of being cool. I, being one of the most cool people in the world, feel obliged to share my gift of awesomeness with you. If you doubt my cool-self, then you should hear this. You may have seen me or someone like me (my protégés) already. I am the kind of guy that walks into a room full of people and everyone shuts the hell up. Everyone turns around with round eyes and then begin masturbating furiously. That’s me. So here, I compile yet another list of directions on how to become ultra-cool, or as I like to put it, simply–Snap!

  • First off, to become cool, you need to look like one. Go to your closet and get rid of all your colored shirts. The only colors you can have are white, black, dark green, brown, and dark blue. Everything else is going to the bonfire. As for pants and shorts, leave only jeans and khaki shorts. Get rid of all your caps and belts as well. Leave only one belt. You only need one jacket! No goddamn skiing jackets, afternoon jackets, before breakfast jackets, going-out-to-party jackets! Just one, all-terrain, bad-ass jacket (bad-ass jacket being a warm winter jacket).
  • You need a pair of ultra cool slippers for your new look as well. Either get Timberlands or Skater’s shoes because those shits are comfortable.
  • If you can grow a moustache, then grow a handle-bar moustache. Nothing else, dipshit. (If you are a chik, please kill yourself for not realizing that this direction is only for guys).
  • Throw out all of your jewelry. Leave only a watch if it is bad-ass.
  • Oh, also, BOXERS, not BRIEFS!
  • If you are fat, go jog fatass. If you are thin as a stick, go eat, you friggin’ pole.
  • If you have long hair, take it off. You’re not Fabio, so cut the bullshit. Just have a simple, short haircut.
  • Never pop your collar! Ever! Ever! In you life! (No seriously, I mean it, don’t fucking do it.)
  • Be an asshole (here I go again).
  • Get rid of your Xanga or any other blog/personal site.
  • Restrain yourself from using AIM.
  • Now that you look COOL, you need to act COOL. Begin by getting yourself a look. (The wandering, mysterious look is mine, so don’t use it, shitface.) Try the mysterious, wandering look; this is not my look because in my look, I first seem wandering, and then mysterious, which is vice versa in the latter look.
  • Refrain from using any abbreviations during speech. No “yo, dawg” bullshit. Oh also, no quotes and no funny phrases that you stole from other people.
  • Get yourself a cool saying that everyone can know you for. Mine is “Snap” so don’t fucking use, monkeypenislicker.
  • Listen to cool music such as techno or any music without words because words are totally outdated.
  • The rap CDs are going to the bonfire.
  • School is for the weak, so ditch it and get yourself a job like a snakecather, or alligator wrestler, or lion raper, or masturbator, or foreign-service agent (yeah, let’s not), or maybe even a job as a secret agent.
  • Kick someone’s ass on daily basis to let everyone know you are meanshit and aren’t fucking around.
  • Ditch your current religion and bow down to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is way awesome, or so some people say.
  • Eat Beef Jerky only. Gulp it down with either of these drinks, or maybe all at one: coke, tabasco, cyanide (again, to prove you are meanshit), water, beef jerky sauce, tears of Hungarian virgin goats or maybe just saliva (make sure saliva is your own.)
  • Screw sexuality. Having sexual relations is outdated. Just buy a Mbit connection and download porn.
  • However, if you really want to have some ass once in a while, don’t pussy around like a dipshit. Tell the chik you mean business. Your conversation should only consist of grunts and huffs. If you can’t get a chik this way, then you should wrap your lips around a two barrel shotgun.
  • Read books. (I know this sounds lame but I actually like books, and besides, it adds to the whole mysterious, wandering look you are going for.)
  • Don’t watch movies. 99% of them suck anyways.
  • Eat one of your siblings to show who is boss around the house. If your Dad has a problem with you being in charge, eat your left arm to show you are not fucking around.
  • Donate blood using only a chainsaw.
  • Trip people.
  • Hold the door for people with busy hands, but when they are about to approach you, close the door and laugh.
  • Actually, don’t laugh. Laughing is for women and pussies. Just grunt.

I really can’t fucking go on anymore. My fingers hurt after typing so fucking much. Anyways, just follow these tips and I think you will get the gist of the whole situation. Copy that? Well, Snap!