I have wondered and pondered around my house for hours, thinking on what to do with my precious time. I turned up my ultra cool winamp playlist and looked mysteriously into space. Anyone who saw me would immediately see my awesome look, as I laid on my bed, my hand holding up my head, my eyes half-closed, and my other hand hung in the middle of the air, pointing mysteriously at the ceiling. I had covered all topics in those hours that could come to my head: life, coke, porn, my awesome look, Miras-Pidaraz, FBI, movies, music, my friends, my organ donors (I wonder where they are), the internet, Maddox, pencils, magic-markers, Arm’s arms, my math book, etc. I was, simply stated, blasé. If you don’t know what that means, get a dictionary and learn this new word–you will need it if you wish to follow what I am about to say. I recently decided to share my awesome coolness with you people. I have already shown you how to be cool by being an asshole, but truly, it is not even a tiny portion of being cool. I, being one of the most cool people in the world, feel obliged to share my gift of awesomeness with you. If you doubt my cool-self, then you should hear this. You may have seen me or someone like me (my protégés) already. I am the kind of guy that walks into a room full of people and everyone shuts the hell up. Everyone turns around with round eyes and then begin masturbating furiously. That’s me. So here, I compile yet another list of directions on how to become ultra-cool, or as I like to put it, simply–Snap!

• First off, to become cool, you need to look like one. Go to your closet and get rid of all your colored shirts. The only colors you can have are white, black, dark green, brown, and dark blue. Everything else is going to the bonfire. As for pants and shorts, leave only jeans and khaki shorts. Get rid of all your caps and belts as well. Leave only one belt. You only need one jacket! No goddamn skiing jackets, afternoon jackets, before breakfast jackets, going-out-to-party jackets! Just one, all-terrain, bad-ass jacket (bad-ass jacket being a warm winter jacket).
• You need a pair of ultra cool slippers for your new look as well. Either get Timberlands or Skater’s shoes because those shits are comfortable.
• If you can grow a moustache, then grow a handle-bar moustache. Nothing else, dipshit. (If you are a chik, please kill yourself for not realizing that this direction is only for guys).
• Throw out all of your jewelry. Leave only a watch if it is bad-ass.
• Oh, also, BOXERS, not BRIEFS!
• If you are fat, go jog fatass. If you are thin as a stick, go eat, you friggin’ pole.
• If you have long hair, take it off. You’re not Fabio, so cut the bullshit. Just have a simple, short haircut.
• Never pop your collar! Ever! Ever! In you life! (No seriously, I mean it, don’t fucking do it.)
• Be an asshole (here I go again).
• Get rid of your Xanga or any other blog/personal site.
• Restrain yourself from using AIM.
• Now that you look COOL, you need to act COOL. Begin by getting yourself a look. (The wandering, mysterious look is mine, so don’t use it, shitface.) Try the mysterious, wandering look; this is not my look because in my look, I first seem wandering, and then mysterious, which is vice versa in the latter look.
• Refrain from using any abbreviations during speech. No “yo, dawg” bullshit. Oh also, no quotes and no funny phrases that you stole from other people.
• Get yourself a cool saying that everyone can know you for. Mine is “Snap” so don’t fucking use, monkeypenislicker.
• Listen to cool music such as techno or any music without words because words are totally outdated.
• The rap CDs are going to the bonfire.
• School is for the weak, so ditch it and get yourself a job like a snakecather, or alligator wrestler, or lion raper, or masturbator, or foreign-service agent (yeah, let’s not), or maybe even a job as a secret agent.
• Kick someone’s ass on daily basis to let everyone know you are meanshit and aren’t fucking around.
• Ditch your current religion and bow down to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is way awesome, or so some people say.
• Eat Beef Jerky only. Gulp it down with either of these drinks, or maybe all at one: coke, tabasco, cyanide (again, to prove you are meanshit), water, beef jerky sauce, tears of Hungarian virgin goats or maybe just saliva (make sure saliva is your own.)
• Screw sexuality. Having sexual relations is outdated. Just buy a Mbit connection and download porn.
• However, if you really want to have some ass once in a while, don’t pussy around like a dipshit. Tell the chik you mean business. Your conversation should only consist of grunts and huffs. If you can’t get a chik this way, then you should wrap your lips around a two barrel shotgun.
• Read books. (I know this sounds lame but I actually like books, and besides, it adds to the whole mysterious, wandering look you are going for.)
• Don’t watch movies. 99% of them suck anyways.
• Eat one of your siblings to show who is boss around the house. If your Dad has a problem with you being in charge, eat your left arm to show you are not fucking around.
• Donate blood using only a chainsaw.
• Trip people.
• Hold the door for people with busy hands, but when they are about to approach you, close the door and laugh.
• Actually, don’t laugh. Laughing is for women and pussies. Just grunt.

I really can’t fucking go on anymore. My fingers hurt after typing so fucking much. Anyways, just follow these tips and I think you will get the gist of the whole situation. Copy that? Well, Snap!

Quiet Thursday night with nothing to do? Call everyone over. You need:

1. At least 5 people
2. A shot glass
3. A cup for each person
4. Lots of water (if in Kazakhstan, NO TAP WATER)
5. Deck of cards
6. A nearby washroom (toilet, bathroom, restroom, whatever) with at least 8 stalls

And here’s how it goes:

• Make sure you take a long, relaxing leak before starting the game
• Once you’re in, no pussying out or you’ll be punched in the ovaries
• Oh, forgot to say, the poker you’re playing is Hold ‘em
• So, once you get your 2 cards, you’re already in for one shot of water
• Once the flop (first 3 community cards) is flipped over then everyone who’s still in is in for 2 shots
• On the turn (4th community card), you’re in for 3 shots
• On the river, (last community card), you’re in for 5 shots
• The winner of the hand does not have to drink
• The loser(s) drinks the designated amount, depending on where they folded, or if they were in till the end, then it’s 5 shots
• You can fold whenever you want (pre-flop, flop, turn. river) but everyone’s in for at least one shot
• Remember, to avoid contracting crazy German STDs from Ben, to use the shot glass only to measure the amount of water and pour it into your own cup
• First person to piss gives everyone the right to call them either Knob Goblin, Turd Burgler, Fuck Nut, Gooch Sniffler, Ass Cock or simply, Pussy for the rest of their lives
• Our record still holds at 84 shots

• Oh man, this post makes me laugh just reading it. Your post contains grammar mistakes, logical fallacies, and hasty assumptions.
• Learn this: the word THERE means a place location like “i lost my testicle somewhere over there;” the word THEIR means in possesion of indefinite people like “their bananas are in my pants;” and the word THEY’RE is abbriviation of THEY ARE like “they’re the guys who threw the egg, officer.”
• How about use commas sometimes instead of periods, “Tupac Shakur. Who has.” And what the fuck do these words mean? “Baiscally…realsed…who live the ghetto?”
• I really love the start of the article. You make an assumption, “They think it is the same thing,” and before anyone can say, “Umm, yeah!” you ruin our shit and… ask a question. “Well guess what.” You didn’t even give us a moment to think, not even the millisecond between sentences. You just immediately answered our question like anyone was in doubt of the upcoming retort, “it isn’t!”
• Released more albums after his death? I don’t even know what to fucking say to this. Maybe people sing their songs and piece in a three word line from Tupac’s previous songs to suck the financial tit of the dead guy?
• I love this line, “These rappers rap about meaningful things on great beats.” I must admit the beats are great, especially when compared to… dog shit? Actually, they remind me of the beat of Shinny’s bed one night, but i digress. You like beats? Listen to Astrix, Yahel, or Soulwax for good beats. And for the meaningful part, I heard more meaningul things come from a paraplegic, blind mime.
• Lifts the moral of the people that live in the ghetto? How about telling them wellfare-sucking bastards to get off their ass, stop buying *bling* jewerly and  maybe get a job, dammit. “I got 99 problems,” i am sure that lifts the moral. “Hey man, i am one of the biggest paid  musicians.  I ride in jeeps that could pay for 30 Detroit project buildings for 7 years, but i am still telling you, brothers, that i as well have problems–actually 99 of them. That’s right, not 98 or even 100, but fucking 99. They start like this: should i bang Beyonce or not, should i get the 23 inch or the 24 inch platinum watch, should i tell everyone this is my last album so i increase the sales and milk the cow for a bit more longer?” Fucking unbelieveble.
• Oh yeah, BTW, Usher doesn’tn’tn’t  not  never fall in any of  these  categories… notn’t.