1. Put your hand up/ask questions

Think. There are 424 other souls in the room. No matter how logical or appropriate your question is, it will turn out to be absolute bullshit since at least 95% of the class are dipshits, just like you. What will happen is that the rest of the congregation will eyeball the fuck out of you on your way out and then proceed to enlighten your faggot ass with some good old face flattening. If you don’t understand a single thing during a lecture, that’s your problem: keep your trap firmly sealed because no one gives a shit about you. Once you realize that then maybe then you’ll start making some friends.

2. Listen to music

Yes, I’ve seen it. The thin lanky kid in the back row: freckles, glasses, the works. “Sweet Jesus, WTF?” I thought to myself as the shiny silver back of his iPod blinded my eyes. You came here to study, you tool, not rock to N*Sync. Cancel your courses, get a refund and go home, you ungrateful fuck, you.

3. Talk to your friends

Maybe you’ve mistaken this lecture hall for a park bench. I’m sorry. Bad eyesight? Here, I’ll spoon your eyeballs out for you. Shut the hell up and listen, you pricks.

Do your parents and the rest of the community a favour by sitting your ass down and keeping your mouth shut during lectures. If you cannot do this, contact me and I will kindly blast your eardrums with my kick-ass speakers. For free. Really.

I can’t hold this any longer. This has bothered me too much. I have lived through sixteen years of lies and denial. But this must stop, for it might turn me mad if i do not reveal the truth. I feel unsure but i believe that i am ready. I don’t know how to exactly say it but here it goes… I am actually a rare white Bengalese Tiger. I know what you are thinking, “Zhan certainly can’t be a rare species of the feline family,” but to your great dissapointment, it is true. I am infact a 300 kilgogram, 2.5 meter tall cat (from head to tail, of course). I manage to hide my identity by crouching and altering my posture to look smaller. I also have to suck in my stomach all the damn time. Of course, i am no ordianry white Bangalese Tiger. I am an extrodinarily smart tiger with linguistic capacities that scientists claim are impossible. I do have exceptional processing capacity for my species. I had 58 plastic surgies done to me to alter my fingers, limbs, face, fur, and even the tail (for the less astute reader, the tail has been removed). I am pretty much the smartest animal in the animalia kingdom, not counting the homos ( sapiens that is). I have adapted common logic, etiquette, customs, logic, and ideology of the human species. Only several people have really found my true identity but they no longer exist ( Sir Isaac Newton, Tamir Alkukin, Arm’s soul, and Phillip (yes, the asshole Phillip)). To tell you the truth i have no fucking idea why I did this, but my guess is that fellow tigers made fun of me and dared me to become human and so i did. Now, if you feel like revealing that you are actually a representitive of a different species (other than homo) please comment and reveal yourself. Ben, i know you are not a damn penguin so don’t even try. Sincerely, White Bangalese “Zhan” Tiger.

Shez comin shinny its sign
Hurricane Rita now Category 4

7:45 a.m. ET 9/21/2005
Kevin Roth, Sr. Meteorologist, The Weather Channel

Hurricane Rita continues to grow stronger over the Gulf of Mexico. Top winds are estimated to be 135 mph, a Category 4 on the Saffir-Simpson hurricane scale.
An unofficial reading from Key West clocked a wind gust from Hurricane Rita at 102 mph but overall the strongest part of Rita was closer to the coast of Cuba as the storm passed through the Florida Straits.
Rain bands will continue to affect the Florida Keys and South Florida this morning but overall conditions should improve today as the hurricane continues to pull away. Tropical Storm warnings continue for parts of the Lower Keys west of Marquesas Keys.
Rita is forecast to continue on a westward track into the Gulf of Mexico and may grow even stronger. It has already reached Category 4 status. Later in the week, Rita is expected to shift to a more northwesterly course. Residents along the Texas Gulf Coast should be prepared for a significant hurricane on Friday night or Saturday.
Elsewhere in the Atlantic Basin, Philippe has weakened to a tropical storm with sustained winds of 65 mph. is centered about 325 miles ENE of the Leeward Islands. Philippe is forecast to hold its own for a while as it continues to swirl in a general northerly direction. Such a track would keep it well east of the Leewards and also east of Bermuda.
In the central and eastern Pacific, Hurricane Jova (115 mph), Tropical Storm Kenneth (60 mph) and Tropical Storm Max (70 mph) are all swirling (or forecast to swirl) toward the northwest. None of these storms pose a threat to any land at this time.