1. Put your hand up/ask questions

Think. There are 424 other souls in the room. No matter how logical or appropriate your question is, it will turn out to be absolute bullshit since at least 95% of the class are dipshits, just like you. What will happen is that the rest of the congregation will eyeball the fuck out of you on your way out and then proceed to enlighten your faggot ass with some good old face flattening. If you don’t understand a single thing during a lecture, that’s your problem: keep your trap firmly sealed because no one gives a shit about you. Once you realize that then maybe then you’ll start making some friends.

2. Listen to music

Yes, I’ve seen it. The thin lanky kid in the back row: freckles, glasses, the works. “Sweet Jesus, WTF?” I thought to myself as the shiny silver back of his iPod blinded my eyes. You came here to study, you tool, not rock to N*Sync. Cancel your courses, get a refund and go home, you ungrateful fuck, you.

3. Talk to your friends

Maybe you’ve mistaken this lecture hall for a park bench. I’m sorry. Bad eyesight? Here, I’ll spoon your eyeballs out for you. Shut the hell up and listen, you pricks.

Do your parents and the rest of the community a favour by sitting your ass down and keeping your mouth shut during lectures. If you cannot do this, contact me and I will kindly blast your eardrums with my kick-ass speakers. For free. Really.